Paris We Ain’t

It only happens on TV. Sex in our city is nothing to even make the evening news. Just 11% of New Yorkers had more than one sex partner last year. 89% of us were either faithful … or did without. Only 5% of married partners reported having an affair. 36% of gay lover-boys claimed five or more sex partners but didn’t wear condoms consistently. All of these statistics were released in the city's Health Department annual report. No, this isn’t Swingtown, USA any longer. Perhaps that’s a good thing for religious and social reasons. Perhaps though, New York has become the Lying Capitol of the world!

Murder Up In Metropolis

New York City’s murder rate has risen 8% in 2008. The NYPD reports over 200 so far this year. Robberies and rapes are up too. Overall however, crime in NYC has dropped 3%. Play nice New Yorkers. Tourists from tiny towns across America don’t want to see blood or bodies in their vacation photos.

Naked Cowboy Can Seek Mars Millions

Blue M and M shouldn’t be seen on a large NYC billboard impersonating a city cowboy-crooner. Manhattan federal court Judge Denny Chin’s decision permitted Time Square’s “Naked Cowboy,” Robert Burck to sue Mars Inc. to sue Mars Inc. for compensatory and punitive damages to the tune of $4 million. So far, Mars has not melted in Burck’s hand.

IKEA Maybe Not Such A Great IDEA

Everyone loves IKEA stores and the products they sell. I've purchased items from them myself. That is not the problem here. The issue is that four years ago, the city sold an historic Red Hook "dry dock" to be used as a parking lot for IKEA’s newest store. Now, a study conducted by SUNY’s Maritime College has determined that New York City badly needs seven new graving docks to accommodate larger ships … docks just like the one it carelessly included in the land deal. It will cost NYC taxpayers an estimated $1 billion to build what we already had. The city defends itself by saying it used data from a 1991 study to make their 2004 decision. That’s a defense? Did IKEA really need waterfront property to open in Brooklyn? The Port of New York currently has 18 dry docks; four being the larger graving docks. With better city planning and common sense, we should have had one more dock on that list.

Summer Jobs Competition Getting Old

Those who study things like this report more adults are applying for jobs usually taken by students. More are being hired, too. Blame it primarily on the weakening economy. The city’s Summer Youth Employment Program budget has also been significantly cut by the Federal government meaning there’s less financial assistance for 14-21 year olds looking to land minimum-wage jobs in New York City. Whatever the reasons, more kids will be forced to hit up their newly hired parents for a bigger allowance.

Nathan’s Nixes Two Minutes Of Gluttony

The annual July 4th hot dog eating contest held at Nathan’s in Coney Island will be doing its' part to reduce global warming. They’ve agreed to reduce the contest length from 12 minutes down to 10. This change is being made at the insistence of George Shea of Major League Eating which manages the event. He claims that he’s found notes from 1917 stating that the frankfurter contest lasted only 10 minutes. An article from 1986 corroborated that time limit. Shea believes he’s preserving history, not changing it by instituting this new rule. Whether last year’s winner, Joey Chestnut can best his record of eating 60 hot dogs in just 10 minutes this year remains to be seen. Takero Kobayashi from Japan has previously won the event on six occasions. This year, time and time difference will decide who eats the most hot dogs and buns. Hot gases will be rising from the contestants’ buns this coming week. Be prepared for a heat wave, Brooklyn! Look away from your television set, Al Gore!

OTB Remains A Sure Bet

Governor Paterson and Mayor Bloomberg crossed the Finish Line with a last minute agreement to save Off-Track Betting in New York City. The deal is pending approval by both houses of the New York State Legislature. The pact is somewhat complicated with many financial considerations for both sides. No details will be discussed here. Suffice to say, Mayor Bloomberg’s gamble to close OTB offices in the city unless New York received a bigger share of the profits apparently worked. Albany chose to "bite the bullet" that might have sent OTB to "the glue factory." The compromise between the city and state guarantees the jobs of 1,500 OTB workers and no doubt pleases the many hundreds of thousands of pony-players who bet throughout the Big Apple. Well, it probably pleases them only until their horses finish out-of-the-money! And now, some famous quotes … A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time. ~Author Unknown … I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. ~Henny Youngman … A race track (OTB?) is a place where windows clean people. ~Danny Thomas